southbound

in the morn'

songbird

goodmorning.

the cold.

and rain.

left!

and in came the

sun and the

blue sky.

here is some

eva

for you.

live a little be a gypsy get around

it's still cold

and rainy

here.

empty room.

green walls.

grandma's bed.

and listenin'

to this.

goodbye.

t.s. eliot

photo by sarah hawkins

wishin' and prayin'

just thinkin' 'bout things like my friend paige and her little baby girls. veggie burgers, special sauce, the heat of the line. blonde hair, would you rather, stubbed toes, raspberry puree. nailpolish and texting, spinning records, listening to the blues with dad, saying goodbye to bottles of wine at the end of the night. water and peaches and grass, scrabble and little eiffel towers and hands holdin', just wishin' and prayin' and sayonara solitude...it was good and i'll miss you.

community life

curve ball

i was thrown a curve ball in the healing process today but i'll be okay because....well i always get there eventually.

love to you and yours.

you should date an illiterate girl

please read this short story

"you should date an illiterate girl"

by charles warnke

it's two pages, don't miss the second half!

march

lists of books with check marks,

sitting in obscure small towns

with a history of racism,

condensation on cups of ice tea,

the texts you send me.

highlighting key phrases and

seeing adrian, the boy at the

coffeehouse who knows my

regular drink. scribbling in

a notebook for allie where we

will trade pen marks; lives.

getting ready to leave,

photoshoots, press packets,

donating my clothes, family

game night. wanting for summer,

hot weather, the beach and my

transistor radio, listening to a ball

game. imagining new life on the

boulevard, wind chimes, hot days,

the turntable and locks of curly

hair. sweatpants, fur hats,

tongue rings, rainbow straps.

imagination and creation,

the creation of things and

feelings, spaces, safe havens.

a neighborhood vibe and

closing time. welcoming april,

and making lists of march.

the only tune in the world

"every now and then a clear harmonic cry gave new suggestions of a tune that would someday be the only tune in the world and would raise men's souls to joy."

-jack kerouac, on the road

wanderin' on

all of these ghost towns i keep

travelin' through

photo by sarah hawkins

rain showers

*eyelet & lace

*bell hooks

*target trips

*picture frame

*fur coat

*double layer

*yuba city drives

*o.t.p.

*lists

*props

*11:11

*missyou

waikiki

a cushion for your head

just sit there right now

don't do a thing

just rest.

for your separation from god,

from love,

is the hardest work

in this

world.

let me bring you trays of food

and something

that you like to

drink.

you can use my soft words

as a cushion

for your

head.

-hafiz

love

"some people care too much, i think it's called love."

-winnie the pooh

the fish and the sea

my new roommate and neighbor.

aren't they just magical?

piaf

i'm a comin'

a letter to my friends

as i laid in bed the other night i thought to myself, i can't believe i survived. i have been living at home for the last seven months....and i survived.

between the beginning of august to the end of september last year i made more life changing decisions than i ever have in that span of time. i had been living a pretty static life in azusa, working in a restaurant and not doing anything to push my career forward. so i moved home, endured a horrifying break up and settled into sacramento life. working in a restaurant yet again, living with my parents and leading a pretty solitary existence. when i first got up here i remember thinking, if only i could be in paris, if only my friends were near me, if only my loans were paid off, if only i could go to grad school. then i told myself, jamie - if you went to paris, you'd still be unhappy. all your baggage would follow you there. same for los angeles, san francisco, new york, london or anywhere. so i told myself that i wasn't allowed to move to a new city or travel anywhere until i could learn to be content here. if i could learn to be happy in rocklin, california then there might be some hope for me. it was time for me to finally learn how to do this. at first i had a five to six month plan to be back in LA, but then again, decided that i wouldn't move until a great opportunity fell in my lap. eventually it did.

the reason for my move home was mostly financial, but i additionally got to do some much needed "soul searching" as they call it. and as i pondered this in bed the other night i realized that i've made it. i'm through the hard part. i thought about how miserable i was when i first got here, how hard it was to even get out of bed in the morning. i thought about how painful enduring everyday was and compared that to how content and peaceful i feel now. i'm not gleefully happy everyday but i have peace, i can see light at the end of the tunnel, i see positive things ahead and i feel like i know who i am again. which has been the biggest gift i could get while being here.

so now i am packing up my things while i try to get hours at work. i am attempting to savor every last moment of being in the house i grew up in and living with my family, maybe for the last time. i am relieved to get out of the rocklin/roseville area because it can truly be heinous and i am excited to start a new life in los angeles - something i have been craving for a long time. i'll be driving down on a wednesday mornin' with a solid sense of who i am and what i want and a fresh set of new headshots. i feel ready.

jamie

and at the moon too

saturday list

*bain de soleil

*buttons

*fujifilm

*fell street

*nailpolish

*transfer

*seasons

*livres

picked up a little london flu

i'm comin' home