Tuesday, September 28, 2010

happy

i'm craving cigarettes again,
but don't worry about me,
i'm tough, in fact,
i'm the strongest woman
you know.
not everything can be
peaceful and healing,
though i'd like them to be,
as someone hands me a
jagged novel in my fragile
state. stories of foster kids
and molestation;
things i can't handle.
prisons and shootings,
reminding me how good
i have it. reminding me of
people who live without
hope. i am no longer in
a steinbeck novel. i'd rather
have kerouacian prettiness,
some sort of gnarled beauty
feeling happy in the twisted
decay, art found in
unexpected places, chocolate
words always dripping.
but here the words are harsh
and beauty is deadly and i
stare at a bleak bleak
existence. and i'm reminded
of my own curse; one of genetics,
passed down through the
mother. a spiral of negativity
and depression, one that
casts lovers to the wayside
because no human has that
much patience. i lack the
ability to be happy and remain
there. a life filled with
"if only's"
if only i was in paris,
if only we lived in spain or
bali, if only our debt was
cancelled or we won the lottery.
and now i find myself,
under the low ceiling and
in an empty house, sitting
up with research of family
curses, determined
to dance in a field or burn
sage or pray for forty
days in order to break it.
willing to do anything for
the ability to find happy
and remain there.

3 comments:

Brittany Joy said...

maybe happy is like that. happy has always struck me as something that is fleeting and temporary. joy is the thing that burns inside that allows you to still be content in the fact that you are human and you exist and you experience, regardless of what happens. its when your joy flame burns out and the will and the hope to live begin evaporating that we need to start clinging for deal life and find a way to remain-

remain in the joy. and regardless of the discomfort, let happy come and go. happy blows away but it eventually comes back.

Brittany Joy said...

p.s. i love you.

jamie said...

remaining in joy is a technique acquired, and it is not easy.

love you too.