"i tell you i have a long way to go before i am - where one begins...
you are so young, so before all beginning, and i want to beg you, as much as i can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
resolve to be always beginning - to be a beginner!"
rainer maria rilke, rilke on love and other difficulties
"if ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart, i'll always be with you."
there is nowhere to sit in borders and my bum hurts on this stool. i look at shelves and shelves of books and i'm jealous these people found the time to write and one day met an agent and then a publisher and they met someone who said "yes." and i hope these authors are taking care of their families with their book. if they are an honest and vibrant and worthy author. not russell brand, who has one called booky wook. i would like to like my job. i'm always unhappy. i would like some flexibility and holidays and benefits and joy. i would like my mfa please. i want to learn, teach, grow, create. i want european sabbaticals and book writing. i want a hot sub-saharan summer. i want a home in portugal and flights to new york for music and taking the kids to shows and shopping and central park and serendipity. a little girl with a french accent tellin' me stories. visiting spain and practicing spanish with friends. people like sabrina make me sad and hopeful and melancholy and brave. shawn says things are looking up. i hope they are. i hope they are.
"today we were sitting watching a video on mtv and he said she is all woman. my whole body was overcome with the ache of inadequacy. i kept thinking silently i'm not this tall, breathy, curvy, breasty, singer, woman, beauty. i shouldn't do this to myself. i don't have time in this life. i should not be filled with this type of judging of my body. this is the only body i have and it takes me on amazing adventures and i can't leave it. i can't abandon the only thing i can truly take care of."
i refuse to believe that because i didn't get a business, a graphic design or an accounting degree that i am a failure. i refuse to believe that wanting to be an actor or a writer or a teacher or an illustrator is irresponsible. i refuse to be working in customer service for the rest of my life. i refuse to only be judged by my looks because i am a woman. i refuse to believe that education is powerless, that career is everything, that monthly payments and credit are the sole items for my character to be criticized against. i refuse to believe that there isn't power in words, that america is the only good country. i refuse to believe that travel is frivolous and unnecessary and impossible. i refuse to take on the psychological problems of my family, i will break free of them. i refuse to believe that gay is a sin. i refuse to give into the confines of our patriarchal society and our dysfunctional nuclear families. i refuse to believe that more is more, unless it means how many people live in your house. i refuse to believe that i have not accomplished much, that i am small or that i don't know what it is to be an adult. i refuse to believe that growing up is the only way forward. i refuse to have my checking account statement be the only subject upon which my mother and i converse. i refuse to let my father's name be forgotten. i refuse to let my brother feel unwanted or incapable or the un-favorite. i refuse to believe that community homes can't happen, that hospitality can't be practiced without fear of theft, that small steps don't mean big things in the life of a poor kid. i refuse to believe that the things you want can't be earned, that life is always hard. i refuse to not be in solidarity with my sisters. i categorically refuse.
because i am strong and brave and gentle and i will not have a mere stick where my backbone should be, i will not be easily influenced by the foolish mouths of others. i will not let the people closest to me be the ones who claw and feast upon my crumbling ambitions. obstacles make you more of a success, trials straighten your backbone and love, love i swear, will conquer all.