Saturday, March 19, 2011

a letter to my friends

as i laid in bed the other night i thought to myself, i can't believe i survived. i have been living at home for the last seven months....and i survived.

between the beginning of august to the end of september last year i made more life changing decisions than i ever have in that span of time. i had been living a pretty static life in azusa, working in a restaurant and not doing anything to push my career forward. so i moved home, endured a horrifying break up and settled into sacramento life. working in a restaurant yet again, living with my parents and leading a pretty solitary existence. when i first got up here i remember thinking, if only i could be in paris, if only my friends were near me, if only my loans were paid off, if only i could go to grad school. then i told myself, jamie - if you went to paris, you'd still be unhappy. all your baggage would follow you there. same for los angeles, san francisco, new york, london or anywhere. so i told myself that i wasn't allowed to move to a new city or travel anywhere until i could learn to be content here. if i could learn to be happy in rocklin, california then there might be some hope for me. it was time for me to finally learn how to do this. at first i had a five to six month plan to be back in LA, but then again, decided that i wouldn't move until a great opportunity fell in my lap. eventually it did.

the reason for my move home was mostly financial, but i additionally got to do some much needed "soul searching" as they call it. and as i pondered this in bed the other night i realized that i've made it. i'm through the hard part. i thought about how miserable i was when i first got here, how hard it was to even get out of bed in the morning. i thought about how painful enduring everyday was and compared that to how content and peaceful i feel now. i'm not gleefully happy everyday but i have peace, i can see light at the end of the tunnel, i see positive things ahead and i feel like i know who i am again. which has been the biggest gift i could get while being here.

so now i am packing up my things while i try to get hours at work. i am attempting to savor every last moment of being in the house i grew up in and living with my family, maybe for the last time. i am relieved to get out of the rocklin/roseville area because it can truly be heinous and i am excited to start a new life in los angeles - something i have been craving for a long time. i'll be driving down on a wednesday mornin' with a solid sense of who i am and what i want and a fresh set of new headshots. i feel ready.


1 comment:

Carrie said...

I love that you sound so strong these days. I have always known how strong you are, but now I think your writing proves it. Would love to catch up when you're back and hear about this last year of your life. Miss you.