i couldn't fall asleep, i was thinking about raging parties and scary things and things i couldn't change so instead i decided to daydream about childrens literature and the bookshelf in the bedroom with a pink glow of lampshade and a small one asleep in the bed. i thought about aunt mackenzie teaching to sew a button and aunt brittany tying shoes for school and telling uncle busse to watch his language. i thought about road trips to see large trees and wide rivers and gaping canyons. i thought about a big big house with crowded people in it and early morning garden watering and hose water on my barefeet on a brickwalk and tall sunflowers and corn against a fence. i thought of dark cozy drapes made from scraps, yarn in her braids and wrapping packages with grocery store paper bags, sending them someplace far away like chile or polska or maybe okinawa or london or out into the forest somewhere.
i thought about worn-out passports and seasons of life always changing and always coming back to the same place, where our hearts are, where home is. i thought about soft skin, and holding tight and rocking slowly and kissing goodnight. i thought about glasses of wine and lots of laughter and pretty music coming from the record player. i thought about red balloons at birthday parties and rachael's special cakes. i thought of messy faces, dirty knees, warm cornbread, painting eggs, lying in the grass making wishes. i thought about brothers and sisters and cousins and giving thanks, big smiles; the family we created.